It's been too long.

It's been too long since I've talked to my dad ... been too long since I've heard his voice, had one of his bear hugs, debated with him, smiled at his boisterous laugh, and watched him play with his grand kids.

All of these things that I miss, consume my mind constantly. And when I say "constantly", what I mean is that I think about him almost every minute that I am awake. I can't do anything without my mind turning to my dad, and my heart feeling the weight of our loss.

It's been almost 4 weeks, and I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone. The man who lovingly wrapped his arms around me my whole life will never do that again. I know that he wouldn't want us to suffer, but the love from my dad, a love that I've known my entire life, can't be shown to me anymore.

My dad's best buddies want to have a BBQ in his honor this Friday. I absolutely do not mind putting it together, and sending out the info. We want to celebrate his life. And that's a great thing! But even acknowledging the reason that a BBQ is to happen, creates an ache so deep in me, that I know only time can hopefully lighten.

In the meantime, I subconsciously keep waiting for his phone call, or waiting to hear the sound of his motorcycle pulling up.

In the meantime, when my head connects with my heart and I realize that I'll never get that phone call, or see him walk in the door, I will ache. And I will ache with my whole heart, my whole body, my whole being. And that's ok for now, I think. Because in the meantime, I'll take the ache, and know its there because my dad loved me with us with his whole heart, his whole body, and his whole being.

God, please give us the strength to get through this time. Please help us to hold on to our faith during this time, so that we can begin to heal. Amen.